


Trying Goodbye

by AvadireNevermore



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst and Tragedy, M/M, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 04:02:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20901320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvadireNevermore/pseuds/AvadireNevermore
Summary: Eiji is finding a way to face the loss of Ash.





	Trying Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Set after anime Episode 24 (Catcher In The Rye) & manga Volume 19, Garden of Light.
> 
> Point of View.

It was snowing again.

It always snowed in New York City. I believe it probably snowed eight months out of the year. Of the seven years I’d lived in NYC, I’m pretty sure that is what had happened.

I sat at my small kitchen dining table, staring out of the fogged windowpanes as I nursed a cup of hot matcha tea. The frozen white specks floating down in the pink twilight stuck to the glass outside, melting into droplets within seconds of impact. I looked down at the murky green liquid in the white mug within my hands. Gentle wisps of grey steam wafted upward, momentarily clouding my glasses when I took a sip.

The first time Ash had tried matcha tea, his face twisted in disgust and he’d sat the cup down on the coffee table after the first drink. He’d said it tasted like a bad carrot. He had been sitting next to me on the sofa of our hideout and I remember laughing at him, explaining what the tea meant in the Japanese culture.

He’d shook his head, scoffing and stating that the Japanese had awful tastes.

Then I remembered him getting a mischievous smile on his lips. He’d leaned over to me, whispering into my ear that he assumed I tasted better than the tea even though I was Japanese.

I recalled feeling my cheeks burn bright and I nearly dropped my cup. He’d pulled back and smirked, not saying another word. At the time I didn’t fully understand the context of his statement, but I remember my mind wandering. Ash always made my mind wander and it took me to places I never thought I’d roam.

God, he’d been gorgeous.

I felt an intense, overwhelming sadness clinch in my chest. It was the same familiar sadness I’d felt for years, every day. I sat down my mug. I always had a hard time breathing when I thought of that moment… and many others with him. I should have kissed him then. I should have kissed him dozens of times. I should have… There’s so much I wish I had done. 

I was riddled with regrets. I came to realize the truth of my feelings far too late.

Ash and I had kissed only once after the prison incident. It had been in Cape Cod, standing in the meadow while he showed me how to shoot the Magnum. He’d been standing behind me and the warmth of his body is something I’ll never forget. The way his torso pressed upon my back and his arms wrapped around me to instruct me on the correct way to hold the gun… I recall how the metal buckle of his belt pressed into the posterior aspect of my hip. I remember the firm kindness of his words as he told me the correct way to fasten my elbows.

And then it happened.

I tilted my head to the side just enough to acknowledge that I believe I understood his instruction, and his lips were so close. His eyes caught mine and for a brief moment the world stopped turning. Time ceased to flow and all I could feel was his breath against the corner of my lips.

Ash’s lips touched mine as if testing whether I would pull away. I did not. And I pressed back, giving him permission to continue. I was acting wholly on instinct. I’d never done anything like this before. I turned but never removed my lips. He’d reached down, taking the gun from my hand, his other hand coming up to rest upon my cheek. The kiss was gentle, almost hesitant, and I parted my lips when I felt his tongue grace over them. He tasted like tea, mint gum, and something distinctively him. When he pulled away, his palm had remained upon my jawline and he said, “That was a real first kiss. I hope it makes up for the one I stole.”

I’d felt something burn in the pit of my stomach but at the time I didn’t know what to do about it. We’d never kissed again. We’d never had sex. We’d often just held each other in comfort and peace. He brought me a calm I had never known, and as he held me in return, I felt as though he clung to some salvation he found within our embrace. We’d slept in the same bed often. But we never did anything more than that.

We existed as one soul without ever having become one. It was as if I were born waiting for him. Fate had led me to him and the year we shared together was worth the lifetime of waiting incomplete.

Now I’d have to wait the rest of my life to know those arms again.

The lament of not telling him—not showing him—how I felt was almost too much to manage at times. I didn’t want him to think I was just after his body because I wasn’t. Back then I didn’t know how to express myself other than to just stand by him. I was afraid for many reasons to show him how I felt; to ask him how to show me. 

But I shouldn’t have been afraid. I should have just done it, fumbled my way through it. I should have told him. Would he have rejected me?

After he died, I came immediately back to New York City. I hadn’t left since, despite the pleas of my family. I hadn’t visited Japan. I’d quit university and became a full-time photographer. The life before Ash no longer could exist. There was no moving on. I couldn’t bring myself to leave America. It reminded me too much of when I left him behind. I was trapped by this concrete jungle; trapped by my memories of Ash.

The day I left reeled over and over in my head. I should have crawled to him. I should have given him my letter in person. I should have told him how I felt. I shouldn’t have been so weak. If I had done any of those things, maybe he wouldn’t have died. ‘If only’ soaked into my mind daily like a poison, slowly killing me. I knew it was, but I couldn’t stop.

They say any addiction is overcome with willpower, yes? Find your higher power, give in to the reality of your weakness, accept that you are powerless. I knew I was powerless, but no prayer could stop this pain I felt. I wish I could find a way to overcome the addiction that was Ash. I suffered mainly in silence, my actions of repentance hidden behind closed doors and a fake smile.

It didn’t feel right to move on. I made a promise. I knew I should break it, but my soul couldn’t let go.

I looked down at the steam floating up from the liquid. I absently ran my finger along the rim of the cup. 

“Thanks for the company, Eiji.” I heard the forgettable voice of my latest conquest as he stepped past my table and headed towards the door. I glanced up. His blond hair shone in the fading twilight and I waved a hand, humming ‘yes’. I didn’t say, ‘see you later’ because I wouldn’t. The door closed and I clicked my tongue. 

I don’t even recall his name.

I’d slept with many men since I came back to New York City. They all had blond hair and green eyes. I knew I was chasing a memory. But I had my rules. Despite my promiscuity, I’d never let any of them enter me. I couldn’t bring myself to go that far. I’d fucked them, but I would never allow anyone inside.

I had changed. I turned to look out the window once more. The sun had almost completely disappeared amongst the shadow of the buildings. Night was now fully upon me. It shaded my apartment like my thoughts shaded my happiness.

I was quiet, reserved, but concealed away inside was a hurricane of self-destructive emotions. I’d studied karate and slept with a new man every night or at least every other. I drank too much. I was constantly trying to escape what was inside my heart. I smoked now, which was something that calmed my nerves. I’d never touched street drugs, but that’s because of what I saw banana fish do… 

I don’t know if Ash would like the me of now.

I heard the door open again and I glanced up, seeing a tall Chinese man enter my apartment, sauntering over to me as if he’d done this a million times before.

He probably had.

Sing took the seat across from me, putting his hands inside the pockets of his light blue hoodie. Written on it in bold black letters was "Survive Said The Prophet”, a new band he liked. I knew nothing about them. His short black hair was gelled in a bedhead style, and his coffee brown eyes settled upon me in the dim light of my apartment. A pair of white-rimmed sunglasses sat atop his head. “He was cute,” he said with a small chuckle behind the words.

I rolled my eyes. “He was okay.” I think. I can’t remember. He might be a neighbor I met this morning checking my mail. I know that’s what I was doing after I woke up. Then again, he might be a taxi driver. Or the actual mail person. I had no idea. Somehow, he’d ended up in my bed first thing this morning and it wasn’t memorable.

No one could possibly compare to the man I longed for most.

A scoff echoed from Sing and he shook his head. Sing knew very well why I did what I did. He’d hardly left my side since my return to NYC. I watched him grow up and he watched me sink into depression. He still ran the Chinese gang, but he was so much like Ash now… He was educated, had a college degree, but covertly ran the streets with a poised confidence that would make any person shiver. His reputation underground was renowned. He’d grown a great deal from being a fiery little teenager trying to find his place in the world. He was respected and because of him, no one dared to touch me. 

I sat my elbow on the table, resting my chin on my hand, and I felt my long hair slide off my shoulder. I hadn’t tied it back. “Akira is on the plane?”

“Mmhm. You know, Eiji,” he began, and I knew what was coming. “I don’t know why you do this to yourself.”

I shrugged and looked down, thoughtfully running my index finger along the handle of my mug, watching my own action with little interest. Little interest… Much like how I felt for the many men who walked in and out of my life in the span of hours. “You know exactly why I do it.”

He sighed and pushed the chair back, balancing his body on the back two legs of the old wooden piece of furniture. “Your exhibit is over tonight.” He knocked the table with his sneakered foot, gathering my attention. “Are you ready?”

“I wish I didn’t have to go,” I muttered like a child who didn’t want to go to church.

“You know you have to go.”

I met his deep brown gaze and felt a small smile touch my lips. “You’ve grown to be a handsome man, Sing.” I knew how Sing felt for me—I knew of his attraction toward me—but I couldn’t bring myself to be with him because I was still caught up by another’s memory… I couldn’t bring myself to even fake it. It wasn’t fair to such a great person. I was such a wimp. Sing and Yut Lung had been having a one-sided relationship for years now, but with the way things seemed, I believed Yut Lung was in love with Sing, though it was not reciprocated. I’d never asked my friend about it. I understood the gravity of his privacy and he’d tell me if he ever felt the need to. I hoped he wasn’t holding out for me because I’d accepted that I would probably never be ready to fully give myself to another.

I saw a slight blush color his tan cheeks. “Don’t change the subject.”

I didn’t mean to tease him, but his reactions were so cute. Such a strong man blushing at a few words.

I laughed a little and swept my hair back from my forehead. I’d grown my hair out since I came back. I wanted it longer so I could change who I was from the one who knew Ash, but everything I did never drove me from him. I was chasing his ghost, reaching blindly for an apparition that would never touch my fingers. “Alright, alright.”

“I know you hate crowds, Eiji.”

I hummed subtly and looked back down at the worn, faded wood of the table. The numerous scratches told a story all their own; the many times I’d sat here and sorted photos, ate dinner, drank, wrote a dozen letters to Ash that I’d burned in the sink because I couldn’t face my feelings. I’d come home and sit at this table, nursing glass after glass of whiskey, scribbling madly until the paper was drenched with tears and the words illegible.

Ash was always with me. He wasn’t here but I could feel him. I could feel him watching me as he always did. I couldn’t find a way to say goodbye.

“I know it’s because you see him everywhere.”

…I did. I saw Ash everywhere. He was in my dreams and he was in my world. He was everywhere I looked. But it was all my imagination. I yearned almost unbearably for him. The more time that passed, the more I wanted him. I’d even contemplated suicide so I could again be with him but that would forfeit the entire reason he’d pushed me away in the first place.

He was trying to protect me.

I never asked him to.

I took in a breath. “You’ll be there. I’ll be fine.”

We very rarely spoke of Ash, but I knew Sing was aware of everything. He was ever my guardian. I don’t know why he felt the need to always stick so close to me, but I was thankful for his constant companionship. He gracefully fell forward in the chair and leaned to me, flipping my hair with a finger. “Get dressed. We’ll go together.”

\-----

My photography exhibit was a raging success. It was the fifth one I had the pleasure of doing and I was quietly pleased and very humbled by the turn out. It was open for a week and on the last day I added the picture of Ash at the very back of the hall. I would walk past it and overhear people say how beautiful this man was. Some would ask me, ‘who was he’?

His name was Aslan Jade Callenreese, I wanted to say but I would just smile politely and say he was a model. They would turn and stare more, continuing to talk and wonder about his beauty.

Yes, I’d think, he was the most beautiful creature to ever stand upon this earth.

They had no idea what a brilliant lifeforce he had been. And they’d never know. This was all I could do for him now. A picture hanging on a wall in New York City. A picture I snapped one morning of a young man sitting on a window ceil inside an abandoned apartment, flooded by the light of an approaching sunrise, his eyes closed in a state of peace that I’d rarely seen upon his face.

‘Dawn’, I had called it after what ‘Aslan’ meant. He’d sat within one when that photo was taken. And to this very minute it still hurt me to look at it. I swore I missed him more each day. Seven years later it still hurt like the first second I found out he was dead.

How could that be? His death had been faked one time before, why was that not possible this time? But Sing saw him, and Sing would never lie to me. It was true and it hurt like hell.

How do I move on? There must be a way. I felt so empty now. I was exhausted by my anger and my sorrow. I had been so very complete with him. I couldn’t seem to put that memory to rest.

At the end of every photography presentation there was always a party. Whether the exhibit was successful or not, there was always a party on the floor above the hall. It was for sponsors, patrons, and fuddy-duddy elitists with nothing better to do on a Saturday night. I abhorred those parties, but I understood their purpose and my own obligation.

Somehow, I’d ended up scattered within the crowd and now it was time for me to give my speech. 

But I hadn’t planned on making a speech. This time I would do something different.

Sing stood near the front, holding a glass of beer and he smiled at me, making a motion with his chin to nudge me forward. He always had to do this. He came to everything I ever presented—no matter how small or big—and he was my continual encouragement. I was more than lucky to have him in my life. He knew how much I hated these events, even if they were the people who supported me. I never knew how to talk to them or how to thank them. I never knew how to express how I felt when it came to anything.

But tonight, I think I had found a way. 

He had no idea what I’d planned to do, and I had contemplated whether I should do it.

I was finally going through the stages of grief over losing Ash, but it still felt so foreign. It still felt wrong. I wasn’t ready, but I had to be. It was time, wasn’t it?

I had to let him go.

Right?

I pulled a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket and took a breath, stepping towards the microphone placed in the front of the large room. No stage, just a plain black microphone and stand, positioned for everyone to stare at me.

There was no spotlight. No cheers. I tapped the mic. It made a muted ‘thud’ sound that echoed around the room and people’s attention turned to me.

“Hello, everyone, I’m Eiji Okumura, and thank you for being here to support my art.”

Light clapping resounded in what seemed like an unenthusiastic manner. I supposed they were all expecting a generic speech and typically that’s what I would give, but not tonight. There was quite the turn out and I forced a smile as I cleared my throat. “The pictures you saw during this exhibit were all of places I love, not all of them were of New York City, but also of a place called Cape Cod.” I felt my stomach clinch, but I continued, “This exhibit was special to me in a way the others had not been.”

I glanced over at Sing and he gave me a sad half smile, waving his pinky at me from around his glass, gesturing for me to continue.

Do you really want to hear what is next, Sing?

I softly continued. “I’m going to do something a little different for the end of this exhibit. I’m going to read something I wrote.” In this room of strangers, I had nothing to lose or to be ashamed of. “I tried to express how I felt through my photos, but I found I couldn’t convey everything. Whereas what I shared in these photos are dear to me, it isn’t enough.” I held up the paper. “This poem is all else that I can think of to try and properly put my memories to rest.” I looked over at my friend and he raised a brow in confusion but gave a short nod.

I took another breath. Was I really going to do this? 

“This reading is called Trying Goodbye.”

I felt my fingers begin to tremble, but I kept my voice as clear as possible. I wasn’t reading this to the crowd. I wanted Ash to hear this in whatever heaven he was in.

“I remember the many times I’d stare at you  
I always felt like you would leave my side  
Somehow deep down I knew that our time together  
Was fading away with each second  
But I had hoped not

You were a blazing fire engulfing everything in your path  
But no matter that, I wanted to hold you so tight  
That you became a part of me  
I wanted to be lit ablaze by the inferno that was you  
And turned to ash by everything that you were

You thought everyone was afraid of you  
Truthfully your intelligence & beauty were revered  
I stood in awe of you so many times  
I was a kid who was afraid of my own heart  
But I was never afraid of you

You were everything wild and magnificent in life  
You were more than beautiful  
I should have told you; I should have held you  
But I never reached out  
Until it was too late

In that moment I stretched my hand far out for yours  
But our fingers never touched  
And then I made you leave  
I’ll never forget the tears in your eyes  
Somehow, I knew that was the last time I’d ever see you

I look back now  
And I feel like I’m being crushed  
This pain of losing you never seems to fade  
I never should have taught you ‘sayonara’  
I never accepted your ‘goodbye’ to me

How could I?  
I remember how you laid your head upon my lap  
And I accepted your ‘forever’ then  
But forever is too long without you  
And forever is not long enough with you

I don’t recall asking you  
To save my innocence  
That would mean saving me from you  
And I wanted to become a part of your reality  
No matter how tragic or ugly you thought it was

Despite your darkness  
You were the dawn of my life  
And I thank you for awakening me  
Even if you felt like you never deserved thanks  
For showing me your world

I was an idiot not to hold you close to my side  
When I had so many chances  
But I think I tried  
I didn’t try hard enough  
Would you have let me embrace you back then?

Did I ever have a chance?  
Basking in the warmth of your exquisite glow  
I’ll never forgive myself for not telling you how I felt  
If I had one more chance  
I’d cry it out to you without a second thought

But you’re gone  
No matter how far I reach  
You’re untouchable  
I regret everything  
I regret nothing

I know you felt like everyone had failed you  
That you were alone  
But you were never alone  
Even in a world you left behind  
My soul is always with you

It is I who is constantly failing at trying ‘goodbye’.” 

My gaze never left the wrinkled paper until I read the last sentence. I heard murmuring and when I finally looked up, every eye in the room was upon me. There was such a severe silence that I could almost hear the bubbles of the champagne in the glass flutes. When I blinked, tears slid down my cheeks. I hadn’t realized I’d started crying. I breathed out the air I had been holding inside me and I immediately understood… I didn’t feel any better.

I think I missed him more.

I felt the tears start to form more strongly. I heard myself say, “Thank you everyone for being here. Enjoy the night,” before I stepped away from the mic and headed straight for the door. I forced myself not to run. I needed to leave; I needed space. I held the paper firmly in my hand, going back and forth within my head as to whether I should throw it away or not.

Why would I keep it? Everything I wrote was everything already cemented into my mind.

I balled up the sheet and felt the tears start falling again. I threw it away in the trashcan as I walked past it out the door. I started down the steps when I heard, “Eiji!”

“I’m fine, Sing. I’m going home,” I said without a second’s thought as I continued to walk away.

He grabbed my wrist when we reached the bottom of the steps in the gallery. “Eiji, wait, please.”

I didn’t turn to him. I closed my eyes and listened within the resonance of the empty exhibit hall.

“Wherever Ash is,” Sing’s voice said softly behind me, “Just now… I know he heard you speaking to him. What you said… it was too powerful not to hear, Eiji.”

I turned to Sing, and pain of everything clouded my eyes again. Had he heard me? Was my love strong enough to pierce time and space, reaching the ears of the dead? I felt like I was choking on the words I tried to say to Sing. I took off my glasses and the young man was blurred as I wiped my face with my sleeve. “I want to rewind and do it over again.” I cried. “But I can’t. I can’t move on. I want to. I thought I could.” I sniffled deeply and shook my head, putting my glasses back on. “Just when I think I’m okay, it all comes back and hurts me.” I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I felt like I’d collapse into a broken mass of cells if I did. “I have to get groceries. Thanks for being here.”

I turned and ran out into the bitter winter’s snowfall before he could speak.

\-----

It was miserably cold in the concrete corridor leading to my apartment door. It was the kind of cold that was stale and heavy; the kind that bared down into any exposed skin with an almost unbearable bite. I shifted to one hand a few grocery bags that I carried, and I fumbled the keys from my coat pocket. The sparsely spread out lightbulbs dimly lit the passageway in a flickering, mellow sort of glow. The snow that had landed in my hair while I was walking was starting to melt and trickle down the back of my neck, adding to the chill.

I struggled to get the key into the deadbolt lock. “Oh come on,” I mumbled in annoyance. I had been in a rush with Sing when we left and I had forgotten my gloves, so my naked fingers were numb. I finally managed to slide the piece of metal into the lock and with a sigh of frustrated relief I turned it open.

“Your poem tonight spoke to my soul.”

I froze immediately.

That voice.

My breath caught in my throat and my eyes lifted to stare at the peeling grey paint of my aged apartment door. I was hearing things. I often heard Ash when he wasn’t there, but… it was never so clear.

“There’s a quote that always reminds me of you.”

What? No, it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be. I was trying to talk myself into this. I managed to take in a breath and listen to the dead silence around me; a muted wind rustling through the open hallway. That satiated my nerves, bringing me swiftly back to the sad reality where he was no longer there.

As it had been for seven years.

I calmly looked down at the doorknob and reached for it. It had been an emotional night so of course I’d imagine him.

“It said, ‘Then came a moment of renaissance, I looked up,’” the subtle baritone stated, floating through the stillness of the passageway like the soft cut of flapping wings on a breezeless day.

I turned slowly, unable to believe my ears. No. It absolutely couldn’t be. It wasn’t. 

There was no possible way. 

No.

“‘Again, you are there…’”

Familiar jade eyes pierced into me from behind a curtain of unshorn, silky obsidian locks. His hair was short and jet black, but those eyes were ever recognizable. How could I ever forget those beautiful eyes?

I gasped and dropped the bags in my hand, the contents clattered to the ground with a sharp rattle. I felt my entire body begin to tremble. This had to be a dream. This wasn’t real. 

He was dead. 

He had been dead for over half a decade. I’d seen glimpses of him over the years—a silhouette around a corner, scattered in a crowd, a reflection in a window—but it was never him. 

This wasn’t him now.

This was a mirage. This was my mind playing cruel tricks again. This couldn’t be.

This person stood near the stairwell, a dozen feet from me. His head tilted, his hair falling slightly to the side as those striking green eyes set firmly upon me, his hands resting within the front pockets of his weathered jeans in a pose classic of… him. “‘A fleeting vision, the quintessence of all that’s beautiful and rare.’”

My own hands came up to my mouth and I squeezed my eyes closed, shaking my head with vigor. My body began to quake harder. “This isn’t real. This isn’t real,” I repeated, shaking my head many times. The drumbeat of my heart in my ears echoed so loudly that everything around me was muted.

Except for him.

“I meant ‘forever’ too, but I could never find the words to say it to you, Eiji.”

At the sound of my name drifting upon the open air between us, my eyes came open with a start and I stared in absolute shock. The way he said it was unmistakable. Was this… was this… “Ash?” The name fell from my lips in a quivering whisper. I had hardly spoken it since he died. I couldn’t bring myself to ever say it. Many people around me spoke of him normally, in admiration, but it hurt me far too much.

Oh God, how I’d dreamt of this moment more times than I could possibly count. Every night; I longed for it every day. He was my first thought when I awoke and my last thought when I fell asleep. I had only recently begun to accept the tragedy of his loss, but that didn’t stop the yearning to see him again, hold him, kiss him, tell him that I... 

I had always wondered what I would do if I ever had the chance to see him again.

And here he was in front of me. Could it truly be…? “…How?”

But in that moment I realized that I didn’t care ‘how’. Even if this person wasn’t Ash, I would live this callous joke through until the end.

I rushed towards him and embraced him so fiercely that it was a wonder that I did not go right through him. Oh how this person smelled just like the Ash I remembered. I felt the solidity of his body and I lost all sense of reality.

This man pressed against me was my reality.

I lifted my head and instantly caught his lips within mine, kissing him so deeply that I felt as if I were going to drown. I wanted to drown in him. This… body was real. It tasted like him; it felt like him. My hands reached up and clung to his jacket as if I knew if I let him go, he’d disappear again. He wrapped his arms around me and returned my kiss with equal fervor and acceptance. I’d yearned for this moment… Was this happening?

My head was spinning.

Was this person truly Ash?

When I finally pulled back from him, he pressed his forehead to mine, gasping. Our eyes met and his breath was warm against my lips as he spoke softly, “I’m sorry I ever told you ‘sayonara’.”

I pulled my head back from his and sank into the unbelievable moment before me. I stared straight into his eyes with an uncertainty and fear that rocked my soul to the core. There was a thin pale ring of light green settled around his pupils, just within the deeply pronounced emerald of the irises.

There was a slightly faded scar nestled within the border of his hairline, barely near his left ear.

I darted my eyes to his lower neck and there along the fair skin near the start of his right collarbone was a small mole, distinctive to only…

Oh God.

Ash.

The confused hope I’d felt when I first saw him now began to erupt in the fireworks of realization.

Hot tears welled up in my eyes. My voice broke as I gasped. “Ash,” was all I could manage to say. His name held an ocean’s worth of words I’d never have enough time to say, more feelings than I could ever express.

He reached a hand up and cupped my cheek, the arm around my waist pulling me closer. “You didn’t have to wait for me.” His voice broke as he spoke in a weak whisper. I saw the same emotions I felt reflected in the depths of his jade gaze.

My eyes flooded over with tears. “I didn’t know what else to do,” I managed to speak but that was all. There were no other words to say, yet there were a million words I wanted to communicate. But all of them came out instead in my actions as my hands grasped firmly onto the collar of his jacket and I suffocated us both in an almost frantic kiss.

I was dreaming, I was dreaming, I had to be dreaming.

I pulled him towards my apartment and kept our lips locked, grasping blindly to open the door. I continued exploring his tongue as I’d longed to do for years. I would ask questions later. I opened the door and pulled him inside, breaking the kiss long enough to remove the keys from the lock and shut the door. I bolted it closed.

I forgot the groceries. I forgot the cold. I even forgot to breathe as my body was afire with desire for him and I wanted so badly to burn alive in that love.

Just as I said in my poem.

I took my glasses off and placed them somewhere that I don’t recall.

The tears still stung in my eyes as I groped helplessly at his clothes, my fingers still trembling. He kissed me passionately, expertly running his cool hands under my shirt, but I was ablaze so I barely noticed. We didn’t speak. No words could express what our souls needed. We found solace in the salvation of one another’s companionship once more. 

Before I realized it, we were on my bed and I was tugging at his pants, his lips on my neck. I was gasping. I was beneath him, the weight of his body comforting my desire for this to be real. He bit my neck as my hand slid into his pants and wrapped around his already hard shaft, stroking it firmly. “Eiji,” he moaned, and I felt him pull my pants down over my hips.

I was dreaming.

He slid his body downward upon me and my hand left him. Suddenly I felt a hot presence engulf my member and I inhaled sharply, my fingers coming to grasp his hair. Everything was moving so fast; everything was a blur of passion and need and I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t keep up.

I wanted him so badly that it was as if he were the very air in my lungs. I’d never felt such a draw before. I needed to be bound to him like oxygen to hemoglobin.

My pants came off with a yank. I felt his tongue run firmly over the tip of my head and the suction applied upon me as he rolled it over my cock nearly did me in. That one motion. These few seconds. I moaned deeply, “Ash. Stop. I’m not ready to cum yet.” Many times I’d touched myself thinking about this moment, but I thought this experience would only happen after I died. No one ever compared to what I imagined he’d feel like. And this was beyond my expectations. I felt the cool air brush over me as he removed his mouth and then a kiss was placed upon the crest of my hip, a wettened finger gracing my opening. 

I unconsciously rolled my hips down upon the finger and felt it enter me. Further words didn’t need to be spoken. Our souls wanted each other. I knew he felt this as much as I did, and we didn’t need permission from one another. I moaned and my hand clinched the hair I held. My eyes were firmly closed as I felt another finger, and then another. It hurt, but I tried to relax around the sensation. I’d done this action before to people, but I’d never had it done to me. I tried to pull from that history. Then, the fingers began to move, and his teeth ran over the tip of my cock again, his tongue rolling over the flesh.

I couldn’t wait. I wanted him too much. I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “Please, Ash.” The pleading in my voice surprised even me and the fingers were removed. I didn’t even have to say what I wanted. He knew. I felt him press against my entrance and my eyes opened. He was above me, his green eyes staring down at me with a need I’d never seen in anyone’s gaze before. It was a need I thought I’d never see, and I felt tears begin to sting at the corners of my eyes. I reached a hand up and placed my palm along his cheek, my eyes never leaving his. He turned his cheek into my hand and kissed it, pushing into me at the same time.

I gasped; it stung. It hurt more than I ever thought it would, but it hurt much less than the knowledge of losing him. It brought me back to the recognition that this was really happening. This wasn’t a dream. 

Ash was against me. 

Ash was inside me. 

I wrapped my legs around his bare hips, and I heard my name echo breathlessly above me. I’d closed my eyes and hadn’t realized it. “Eiji, look at me.”

I felt him thrust into me and I met his fiery emerald stare, my hands settling upon his naked shoulders. His eyes seemed darker, shaded with lust. I became lost in their hopelessly stunning green, the understanding of my current situation sinking in as deeply as he was inside me. We were together. I don’t know how our clothes came off so fast, I didn’t know how we made it inside, I don’t know where my glasses were, I didn’t know anything except for this overwhelming connection. He thrust again and all I could do was gasp, moan, and stare up at him. My nails dug into his firm skin and I felt myself shiver, I felt my body quake as he watched me and increased his pace. He had hooked an arm under my leg and was pushing it upward to get a better angle into me.

It all felt so natural. This was utter completion. Thrust after thrust brought the reality of this moment crashing down upon me and the tears streamed from my eyes. They never left his. It was almost as if I were afraid that if I looked away, he’d vanish. 

“I love you, Ash,” was all I could say around the many whimpers and moans that escaped me.

He continued to move deep within me and at the words I spoke, he leaned down and captured my lips, kissing me hard and his taste was something irreplaceable. Being one with him was irreplaceable. My body melted into his and my arms held him tightly. 

Ash trailed his lips down my cheek and licked the tears, breathlessly saying, “Those words barely sum up how I feel for you, Eiji.”

I couldn’t breathe as I felt our souls finally connecting and I rolled my hips down upon him to meet his motion forward into me. Never in a millennium would I have imagined such an intense feeling. It was almost unbearable, and I already ached for more. All the pieces of me that were missing were finally back in place. I had found what I was always running towards. I could stop running now. I’d been with a hundred or more people, but they never set my body on fire like Ash.

One of my hands wrapped within the blanket above my head and his fingers slid down to entwine with mine. He kissed me again, his body rocking more furiously into mine and I met each one of his thrusts. His grunts and moans were enough to push me towards the edge. I felt him everywhere. Skin to skin, his taste against my tongue, my body enveloping him as he moved deep inside me. I was about to release, and I couldn’t stop myself. I moaned around his lips, “Ash, I’m going to—”

He pushed harder into me at the sounds of my words and in a split second I saw a great flash of light behind my eyes and I groaned loudly as I came between us, the sound muffled by his impassioned kiss. A few thrust into my shaking body and I felt a hot flood inside me, a loud moan, and he collapsed a top my form, his lips trailing wet kisses down the expanse of my sweat-covered neck.

“Stay, Ash.” My hand squeezed his tighter. “Stay with me.”

Ash raked his teeth over my collarbone and kissed it gently. “I’ve never left you.”

I didn’t understand the implication of his words and he slowly slid out of me. I involuntarily hissed as I felt the sudden emptiness. He freed my hand and rolled over to lay beside me, breathing heavily.

Had that all just happened?

When I was able to speak again, I could only mutter, “How are you alive?” Questions began to pop into my mind; the questions I should have asked before taking his body into mine, but I was afraid to know. I was afraid he’d leave me again; I was afraid I’d get hurt by his answers. I turned my head and stared at his black hair, the graceful curve of his cheeks, and green orbs turned to meet my gaze.

“Max found me. I don’t remember the details. I had…” He paused and I turned on my side, tracing the expanse of his stomach with a finger. I wanted to touch him more. “…I had wanted to die because I knew if I were dead then you would be safe.”

I almost laughed at that. “You were worth every second of the danger, Ash.”

He smiled softly at me and turned to face me, brushing the hair from my eyes before laying his hand upon my cheek. “I’ve watched you all these years. I dyed my hair because I knew you were seeing me.” He pressed his forehead to mine and our eyes remained connected. “I’m sorry I never came to you. I’m sorry you suffered so much. I’ve never left your side, Eiji.”

I hummed in understanding—I found that I wasn’t upset with him—and I propped myself on my elbow, running my hand along the curve of his naked waist, noting the scars that told his story. “Max never told me.” Now it all made sense. It was Ash that I was always seeing.

I’d get upset later. Now wasn’t the time.

“I asked him not to. I never planned to reveal myself to you, but I heard your poem tonight…” He leaned to me and kissed my lips gently. “I’m so sorry, I thought you were safer without me around. I watched you for so long, but I didn’t realize how hurt you were…” 

I shook my head and pushed his shoulders back, laying atop him and straddling his hip, catching both of his hands in mine. “None of that matters now. Stay with me forever, Ash.” 

The most beautiful smile radiated the most beautiful face and I saw tears fall from the corner of his eyes. “I promise I won’t leave you again, Eiji.” He moved my hands to rest over his heart. “I’m yours. I loved you then, and I love you now. I’ll love you forever.”


End file.
